Black Sheep Brainchild

I was always different –

Always a little more open.

Always a little more “go with the flow”.

Always a little more independent.

Always a little more.

It was never a perfect fit.

A square peg in a round hole that was too small to tuck the corners inside the outer edge.

But, damn, did I ever try.

I ignored that voice inside.

Stuffed it down until barely a whisper could be heard.

Pretended I could not understand what it was saying.

It did me no good.

It hurt me, in fact.

It got to the point where I didn’t know me.

My life.

My wants.

My needs.

Who was this person I had become?

Why was I hurting so much?

Was there even a point to going on?

At times my chest would hurt so badly as I fought the sobs that threatened to escape.

At others my teeth chattered uncontrollably – the onslaught of feelings was so forceful.

And then, one day, that tiny refrain echoed in the depths of my being.

Something was so entirely wrong that the feeble words grew loud, strong.

They rang in my soul like the clang of cathedral bells.

I was shaking, again, but with a fervor of energy and conviction.

My thoughts were so loud I didn’t know how no one else could hear them.

I could not run away from them any longer.

My limbs shook and I rose to my feet.

A shuddering breath inflated my lungs.

My heart thudded.

My eyes rose to the person across the room and I truly saw him for the first time – no – I allowed myself to fully see, to understand.

Resolve set my jaw and my shoulders.

I grabbed my things and released the breath I had been holding.

And I turned and walked out.

Never to return.

I

was

free…