Black Sheep Brainchild

“If I ever get that big, shoot me.” Shudders visibly as watches a larger person walk by.

“Well you can’t tell on (Tali) with her double-chin hiding that…” Chucks me under the chin and laughs with the other adult standing in the church foyer with us.

“You would be so much more beautiful if you lost a few pounds.” Driving down the road, a sideways glance at me in the passenger seat before these words fill the space between us.

“You don’t /need/ seconds.” A pointed look at my stomach follows before passing the dish over me to a thinner person.

———-

Each of these statements, and so many more, occurred when I was a child. Middle school age and younger. I am now approaching 40 years old and still vividly recall each memory. The look of disgust that crossed the face, the laughter at the funny “joke” that had just been told, the shudder in their body as they thought of themselves as the other person, as me…




You aren’t making me skinny. You aren’t making me eat better. You aren’t making me “feel enough shame to change”. I already feel shame, loads of it. I now have an unhealthy, disordered relationship with food. I get so stuck in the swirl of shame and voices that I retreat into myself and either binge or starve – neither of which is useful.

And now that my chronic issues are taking over? Now that I have some combination of meds that makes it so I am never hungry and when I am I can barely eat anything? Now that things I used to love the taste of feel as chalk in my mouth?

I am dropping pounds like a pregnant kiwi finally laying her egg.

“Wow! You look great!”

“You have been losing weight I see. Looking good!”

Folks. These aren’t compliments. Someone isn’t beautiful or ugly by their weight. Someone isn’t healthy or unhealthy by their weight. You can be fat and beautiful. You can be fat and healthy. You can be thin and unhealthy. You can be thin and ugly.

What you are reinforcing with these comments is society’s determination that beauty and health is intrinsically tied to weight – but science says otherwise. Our society, even the way our doctors have been trained, are so latched on to the above belief that medical bias KILLS people just because they are fat. We are less believed. We are seen as complainers. We are told that if we just lose weight everything will magically be better. Guess what? Thin people have the same issues we complain about! If a doctor would remove weight from the equation and listen to what we are saying, the diagnosis and treatment would be completely different, and probably actually correct! Lives would be saved. People would not live with needless pain and suffering because someone who is supposed to help them cannot see past their bias that was ingrained at a young age.

Know better.

Be better.

Do better.